About a month and a half ago, in attempts to maturely step back from a quickly progressing long-distance relationship, things ended. In the back of my mind, I remained hopeful that things like Thanksgiving, Christmas break and January weddings could be enough to maybe change things. By then, we’d have things figured out within our own lives and be ready to date each other. My hopeful perspective was shattered two weeks ago when I found out not only had he moved on, he was long-distance-dating another girl. It has taken both my hope and heart exploding before me, to awaken exactly how blindly I’ve been living.

I’d like to think I’m not too dependent on boys and while that’s semi-true, I have almost always had someone. Not necessarily on the dating level, but a person to call, text and get excited about. A boy to occupy a large part of my mind and heart. Right now, I don’t have anyone. And as backwards as it sounds, I am overwhelmed by the happiness that I possess. It has taken taking others out of the equation and finally being alone to learn what I’ve been missing. And it is absolutely remarkable. What is seemingly empty, has left me overwhelmingly full. An added perk is my phone battery lasts longer.

I’m in a bible study watching a series by Andy Stanley. The discussion questions afterwards, pertaining mostly to what is keeping us from the Lord, left all ten girls with boys as the answer quickly coming from our lips. We are so quick to be reliant on them, quick to desire them, quick to pine for them. Quick to drop everything for them. Quick to become focused only on them. And if all 100% of us answered boys, I figured there were others out there that felt much the same.

Somewhere along the way, we must have a transformation of our hearts. A process that allows our hearts to be full of enough pure love to last us eternity, and only then we are able to see the earthly love that has been chosen for us. I still am far from having it figured out. I have been super sassy, dramatic and frustrated by everything and am still struggling with complete peace and not allowing my pride to get the better of me. But I can say with confidence that for almost two weeks I have been engulfed in the love of Christ. I can feel his presence flowing through my blood and I can seriously feel his arms embracing me in a hug. He has been a wonderful protector and friend throughout it all and has shown me how he is enough. He is the source of ultimate joy and He is the one I am learning to seek.