gratitude

it’s been one of those weeks. one of those weeks where I was an absolute emotional disaster. I’ve cried in the bank, grocery store, bathtub, in the basement folding laundry, on the street. and unfortunately most of those are public places. 

and while I could blame it on things like... the girls have been rotten and miserable and I’ve had to constantly get onto them for their behavior and attitudes. I fell on tuesday when I was on a run twisting my knee and gashing it to the point I almost had to get stitches. with that fall came a scratched iphone that now constantly shuts off at random. I’ve somehow managed to step in dog poop more times than I want to talk about. I visited the bank for the 9th time in a week with every piece of paperwork they’ve sent me hoping one was my password, only to have them tell me none of those were and I’d have to wait yet another week while they mailed me a new one. I waited in a 30 minute line for metro tickets and bought the wrong ones. and most of all I just missed everybody at home so much it hurt. 

and the part that I was the most frustrated about was that since I’ve moved here I’ve never felt so happy before. I spent the better part of my past weekend with mini tear-filled puddles in the corners of my eyes because I was elated. I was beaming. I’d grown more laugh lines on my face these past 5 weeks. I’d spent hours on saturday morning listening to a jazz band play in luxembourg gardens and went to a beautiful church service sunday. and I thought, could life get any more perfect? I’ve found humor and patience in things like being lost in the car for 2 hours looking for the doctor. I’ve enjoyed my solitude, sometimes going days without checking my phone, because it’s made me more observant of the easily overlooked charms of life. I felt like I was growing, learning and understanding life a little better.  

so why now? why when I was on top of the world, did I have to suddenly have the carpet pulled out from under me? 

I’d been consciously thanking God each and every day for my joy, and I felt like it was the first time I’d really understood how beautiful the gift of gratitude can be. but I think I misunderstood that even with a thankful heart, I was half high-fiving myself for how settled I felt here and I am undeserving of the credit. I needed a little humilty, a little perspective. and more than anything, I needed to be reminded just how much I really do need God. I want to grow through the things He wants to teach me and in this relationship with Him and can’t unless I learn to seek Him in my time of despair.   

it’s the weeks where you are borderline out of your mind that you need to still be able to recognize His glory. so today at our weekly friday picnic lunch, the girls and I went around the table saying all we were thankful for.